Val Doonican vs Zoe Ball

And so it just happened. My kids have finally smashed me into the ground and chewed me up.

         vs     

It started fairly innocuously, as these things so often do.

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve started to bend my “adults only after 7pm” rule, to allow my kids to watch Strictly Come Dancing with me.

Actually, if I’m honest, the reason I’ve bent the rules is more for my benefit than theirs.  Living in a male dominated/footie obsessed house, I wanted to reclaim a little feminity and I knew both my boys would pretend to love Strictly, it if it meant being up late!

They were happily arguing over Lego, while I lost myself in the glitz (wondering whether I should have a fringe like Zoe and whether it would make me look as good as she does in skin tight sequins), when one pipes up, “whose Mummy is that?”.

At first, I thought they were talking about Judy Murray, because we’d chatted about her being Andy’s mum – but no, he was asking about Zoe Ball.

“How do you know she’s a mummy?” I asked.

“She just looks like one.”

“Why?”

“She just looks like all the other mummies”

“Her husband’s called Fatboy”

“That’s silly.”

And that’s when I realised.. I think Zoe, Tess and Claudia look fantastic, mainly because they are really toned, spray tanned dressed up, styled versions of me. I’m the same age as them, I’ve got kids like them and…. that’s when I realised what just happened.

As a kid, I spent Saturday nights in the 1970s watching Brucie on The Generation Game, Morecambe and Wise, Des O Connor, Val Doonican – all those ancient old blokes my Mum and Dad loved – all of them then in their 40s.. just as Zoe, Tess, Claudia and I, are now.

When did we turn into Val Doonican, wearing cardigans on a rocking chair? I couldn’t quite let it drop..

“How do you know she’s a mummy?” I insisted.

“She just looks like one”

“Does Pixie look like one?’

“No.”

“How do you know then?”

“She looks the same as you.”

I took another look at the 7ft sparkly glamazon Zoe, with her quip and a cuddle for everyone…

“Thanks Pal… she really is married to someone called Fatboy.”

“Is he fat?”

I give up.