An Open Letter to Mummy Pig #2

Dear Mummy Pig,

Now, don’t worry, this isn’t set to become a Sinead v Miley series of open letters. I am merely writing a second letter, as I was concerned my first, packed full of brilliant unsolicited advice and opinion, might have been misconstrued. Obviously as a big fat mummy-blogging bore it is my absolute right to condescend and judge in such a manner, but essentially, I just think you could do with a mate – a mate like me, Mummy Pig.

Don’t get me wrong – I think Mummy Zebra and Mrs Elephant are nice enough for duck-feeding play dates and school-gate small talk while you wait for Madame Gazelle to kick out playgroup. However, I don’t think they’re the types to tut and say ‘forget about her’ in all the right places when, say, some mum asks you if you’re worried at all that George’s vocabulary hasn’t expanded much beyond: “Dinosaur. Grr!”

Similarly, when some beaky relative (let’s say Grandpa Pig, for example – he seems to have a lot to say for himself), is all up in your snout about child-proofing or potty-training, I can’t really see Mrs Cat slagging off one of her interfering feline family members too in an effort to make you feel better. Well, I am definitely that mum friend, MP…

Here’s some of the life-changing wisdom that a mum-friendship with me has to offer…

• The amount of sleep deprivation you endure is directly proportional to how good a mum you are – a bit like ‘Nam, the more you’ve suffered, the bigger the hero you are. This is a FACT

•  A tube of Smarties can get you through some long car journeys – especially if you get some for the kids too

•  And this useful bit of mum arithmetic I’ve uncovered will help you no end: Wine + a very bad rom com + a big fuck-off pizza = the edge taken off a rubbish day

It’s good stuff, right? And there’s more where that came from. I don’t mean to brag (well I do a bit), but I’m so incredibly wise I get an average of about 13 likes on me mummy Facebook posts. I am expecting a book deal any day now, Mummy Pig…

And despite my huge mum-blogging ego, I’m not so arrogant as to think of our friendship as a one-way street with me dishing out directives. OK, it’s true, I have pointed out in my first letter the ways in which you could better your life by being more like me (you’re welcome by the way), but I reckon there’s stuff I can learn from you too?

I can make you less long-suffering and maybe you can help me be a more amenable mum? Well, we’ll see… I’ll be canvassing for tips in our next lot of correspondence anyway, MP…

So listen, you and me – we make a good team. Let’s seal this deal. Why don’t I pop round to yours some time and drink some of that lovely-looking red you and Daddy Pig occasionally enjoy a tipple of over a light supper, and you can also whip up a bit of that spaghetti you seem to enjoy so much as a family? Although, if you don’t mind me saying, that pasta looks a bit dry without a sauce? I’ll give you my recipe for a really amazing pork ragu…

Oh, bugger. I’ve done it again, haven’t I? So sorry, Mummy Pig. I promise to work on my insensitivity as our friendship progresses.

So, until next time, MP… Bell me if you need me, yeah? I’ll be up that hill to your lovely detached home before you have time to whistle that hugely irritating theme tune…

Lots of love
Zeena

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